Copyright 2026 Gregory Nason. All rights reserved.
I woke up with a start from a pleasant dream about a peaceful nature preserve (sponsored by All-Season Garden Centre™) and fumbled for the snooze button (brought to you by Rest-EZ Sleep Aids™).
I didn’t feel particularly well rested, but I rolled out of bed anyway. We’d only sprung for the 8-hour sleep subscription to save a bit of money, so the Comfort Tyme™ mattress was going to roll itself into a lump in a few minutes anyhow. Jess was already up. I could hear her puttering around in our Home & Hearth™ kitchen down the hall.
I walked down the hall, knocking on the kids’ bedroom doors on the way.
“Come on, Jackson Learning Centre. Time to get up. You too, Miranda’s Craft Store. You’ll get rolled up in the Comfort Tyme™ beds if you don’t get moving.” I paused to make sure I heard activity behind the doors before I continued down the hall to the Home & Hearth™ kitchen.
Jess was standing over the stove, frying some eggs on the Country Home™ cooktop. I walked up behind her and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Morning, hun.”
She held up her Smart As Anything Watch™ and gave me a smile. “Morning.” I tapped my own Smart As Anything Watch™ against hers and approved the $9.95 transfer from my account, filling in “Matrimonial affection” in the memo field.
“Smells yummy.” I grabbed a mug from the Cupboards By Kate™ cupboard and filled it up from the Kick-Ass Caffeine Carafe™ on the Durable Designs™ countertop (“If it’s not Durable, it’s not done ®”).
The kids came down the hall just as I settled in at the table and Jess began serving breakfast. “Morning, Jackson Learning Centre.”
“Hmmph.”
I put down my slice of Tim’s Tasty Toast™ and gave Jess a look. She arched an eyebrow back at me. “Something wrong, champ?”
Miranda’s Craft Store answered for him, the way older sisters that age do. “Davis Avenue Autosports was making fun of him at school yesterday because he has a cooler name sponsor.”
I swallowed a sigh. This again.
“Look, Jackson Learning Centre, selling the naming rights when you start your family is… well… there is a lot that goes into it. When your mom and I applied for the license to have you, we registered with Family Name Sponsors, Inc. They find companies that are willing to pay for naming rights. After we sent them our DNA samples and genealogical backgrounds, they told us that there were a couple of bids for the right to name you. Jackson Learning Centre was the one that we thought would be the best for us. They paid for Mom to go to the hospital where she had you. That’s good, right?”
“It’s not fair!” Jackson Learning Centre huffed, scowling and folding his arms over his chest. “Davis Avenue Autosports is where people buy cool cars and I’m named after a school. Hmph.”
I sighed. Jackson Learning Centre would get over his dislike of his name someday, I hoped, but there wasn’t much I could do about it now. The contract was very clear on that point.
“OK. Just finish your breakfast and let’s get ready for school, okay? Don’t forget to leave your mom a nice tip when you pay the bill.”
The rest of the breakfast passed uneventfully. Once the kids had headed back to their rooms to get ready for school, Jess and I began loading the dishes into the Skweeky-Kleen Dishwashing Apparatus™ (“No one wants to eat off dishes that aren’t Skweeky-Kleen!” ®)
“I know you don’t want to hear it again, but…” Jess began.
“Yeah. I know. Family Name Sponsors, Inc. is cheap, and you get what you pay for, but we didn’t have much money back then. Besides, it isn’t like the only other option they gave us was better.”
Jess smiled. “When he’s older, we’ll have to tell him that we could have gotten twice as much if we’d named him Simpson Septic Services.”